A letter to my three month old daughter.
You changed me.
You changed me, but not in a bad way. And not just in the cliche’ way on the day you were born — changing me simply from woman to mother. But you changed me. The day I knew you were going to come into my life — the day I found out I was pregnant and going to be your mom, a process began.
I found myself riding the wave of emotions. Fear, excitement, elation, joy, terror, self-doubt. All these things; the beginning of change.
As I journeyed through the process of carrying you in my womb, I was amazed at the thought of your tiny body forming inside me. Marking each week of your growth with more excitement of the reality that one day I would actually get to hold you in my arms.
I prayed. I prayed a lot. I prayed a lot of selfish prayers that you would be completely beautiful, brilliant, and definitely have all your fingers and toes. I selfishly asked God to give you your daddy’s dimples and my red hair. (The dimples you got… I’m just waiting to see if your hair really is red or if I’m simply wishing the slightly auburn hue I see into existence.)
And you changed me some more.
I started praying differently. My heart was changing and I realized that more than a beautiful, brilliant baby girl with dimples and flowing auburn hair, I wanted to raise a little girl who would grow into a woman who loved the Lord with all her heart. I wanted to be the kind of mom who would be capable of raising you (under God’s direction) to be bold, honest, strong, confident, honorable and steadfast.
Your tiny existence changed me.
As I continued to pray, it became deeply aware to me that in order to raise a fiercely God-fearing woman, I needed to be one. In order to be that kind of mom, I needed to be deeply rooted in the knowledge and awareness of who God is in my life and who He wants ME to be. I need to be your example, little one. I need to show you what it looks like to be loving, honest, upright, steadfast, and strong. And that is my prayer.
It is my prayer that I will be the kind of woman you look up to someday. The kind of woman you are inspired by. I want to be the example for you of what it really looks like to live a life fully devoted to Jesus.
I’m scared though…
I’m still excited and filled with joy with the privilege it is to be your mother, but I’m scared because I know I will fail you.
So. My dear, sweet, Lucy Marie — Please know I’m trying my best.
I am praying for you. I am praying for me. I am praying that I will be given the wisdom that I need to be the mom you deserve to have.
Your presence has changed me. Forever. For the better.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.